No funny quips, no jokes, no text, most likely my last post. I have come to realize the truth to my nature and how I run games, how I am as a GM, I have come to see the reality of the situation which then calls into question everything I have done and decided upon in my life. After a fantastically destructive end to a game, possibly, I have come to the realizations about the truth and complexity of my games, and how they truly are not that good. Therefore in light of this circumstance, in one of the only places where I make any public appearance through discussion of my games and GMing in general, I will hang up my GM cloak and hat, in a manner of speaking. I realize the honesty and viciousness behind my games, how truly bad they were, and am both horrified to the point of complete seclusion from any public eye and any form of socializing, and am also deeply saddened to the point of tears, the damage my games have wrought. I realize how terrible my games and how I was as a GM, and I apologize to everyone I've ever been involved with as a GM, I apologize to my friend Mae, to Jeffery, to Nikki, to Spencer, to Walker and all my players, I failed as a GM and I accept that. I'll wrap up the games for those I still GM for, I can only promise, for what its worth it will be a happy and not depressing ending, it will be an ending which you deserve and will get, and will give you both the satisfaction and elation you deserve, though if you doubt that due to my past GMing I completely understand. If I could reimburse you for your wasted time, if I could give you your games and characters back I would and will, if we game again. I am sorry for the misery I have created, I know now how I was, and am, as a GM, friend, and human being, and it was the most despicable of examples and I could never be more sorry and abhorred by seeing what I have done and how I was as a GM.
It is no consolation, it is barely close to something which would invoke relief within you, but know I truly tried to create a fun and interesting environment, I love you all, remember this, and always have, I am sorry, and let us wrap up these games as friends and move on to other roads and paths, for clearly this path of Pathfinder, is not my calling, and I understand this now.
I love you all as much as a brother, friend, and GM (for the time being)
Ryan
Oh, RyRy. Don’t you even. Yes, you are a hard taskmaster but that’s nothing we aren’t already aware of. Lend me your ear … or I suppose in this case, your eyes for a moment, if you will. And I apologize but I have to break it into multiple comments; Blogspot won't let me post it in the entirety.
ReplyDeleteLet me start with the topic of accolades. I know you’ve said before that gamemastering is often a thankless career and I don’t think you receive the esteem and the gratitude that you are due. And even if you do, you don’t receive it often enough. So I’m going to put it here, in the public eye as you said, so that it will be written in permanency and thus hopefully serve as a lasting reminder.
You are an extremely talented writer and a game master without peer. Your story lines, your environments, you world that you have created is so rich and complex and expansive … I’m completely and regularly in awe of your creative genius. I obviously don’t tell you enough, I don’t think anyone could ever tell you enough, but I admire you and respect you SO MUCH … the amount of time you’ve spent weaving your impressive stories, the passion you have for your craft, the drive you possess to continue to excel at your art and rise above when the road ahead seems challenging is simply breathtaking. You are a fucking super gifted writer and your creative genius is without peer … I look at all the incredible stories you’ve written and all the fascinating campaigns you’ve pioneered and my head just spins.
I look up to you so much, do you know that? You are really the embodiment of all I ever dreamed I could someday be, but you aren’t someday, you are here and now and you are already absolutely amazing. I’m so inspired by you and all of your continual accomplishments. You are a brilliant author and the world you’ve written all by your lonesome completely takes my breath away. And you make it seem so easy, so organic, so flawless. You excel at everything I’ve ever attempted, but where I’ve failed and stagnated, you’ve succeeded with flying colors and thrived. Your world is fleshed and flourishing in only a matter of years; my world is still unnamed, even though I’ve been writing on it since junior high. You finished a gloriously detailed and comprehensive map that makes your whole continent seem like something out of Tolkien, complete with lands and cities and diverse peoples and pantheons full of rich lore … and you did it in less than a year!! I’m still working on the map of just one tiny continent, and I’ve been at it since grade school!
I know how hard that sort of an undertaking is, and I can only guess at what sort of sacrifices you have to endure on a constant basis, not only as the author of your world but as the GM that immerses your players into it. I think of the quick wit and lightning fast mental reflexes that you exhibit every single time we play and I can’t even wrap my head around it. And that’s only speaking to whatever current path the gamers happen to be taking. I know that behind the scenes there are several other paths, countless other options, myriads of possible outcomes that you’ve already charted and prepared for and have racing around your brain at every given second, every single roll of the dice and I can’t even comprehend that sort of mental alacrity. But still, you make it seem so easy because you’re just so damn good at it.
And here I’d like to take a moment to call you out, not only for your excellence as an author and your fucking brilliance as a narrator, but for your patience as a GM, and for the vital fact that you actually care. You aren’t just the arbitrary forces of nature of your world in which we tread; you aren’t a passive presence as the party moves along. You don’t just throw your hands up, sit back and adopt an attitude of whatever, or even the opposite, run the campaign along rails toward your own predestined outcome. You really and truly care as a GM, you are thoroughly invested not just in your world and the countless NPCs you spin but in us as well, the players that explore your world under your watchful eye and guiding hand.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, we’ve started lots of campaigns that haven’t ended. That doesn’t actually bother me as much as maybe it should, because each and every one of them was good, solid gold, and there isn’t a one that I wouldn’t be willing to go back to, trials and tribulations and all. My only regret is that so many of them got shelved when the going got rough, but we never went back to overcome whichever obstacle and (hopefully!) eventually persevere. We just … stopped, and never started back up again. Yes, your campaigns are demanding and yes they can be pretty emotionally exhausting at times, but even though it’s hard for me sometimes I know and trust that eventually the adventure that you write for us will all be worth it. And I know that it will be a roller coaster ride of emotion, but that’s just the way it is; light and dark, life and death, good times and bad, successes and failures, give and take. Just as you have sacrificed and shed blood, sweat, and tears to build this immense, immersive world for your players, so too must the players sacrifice and shed HP and NPCs (and in my case, as we all know, also tears) in order to walk in it.
Logically, I know this. But emotionally, sometimes it takes me a little while for it to settle in. We’ve had the conversation at least twice before; you know that I get attached and emotionally involved and then when catastrophe strikes I can’t hold back the tears. I’m soft-hearted and sensitive and I just can’t help but feel sad when the amazing characters that you’ve blessed us with, that we’ve interacted with for some time and come to know and figuratively love and adore get ripped away from us and cease to be. But the fact that I get moved to tears just goes to show, again, the sheer magnificence of your creations and the incomparable caliber of your stories. It's a sign of how good you are at what you do. That which you have built, Entrathia in all of her beauteous wonder and seductive mystery and terrible brutality, and the breathtaking faculty with which you bring her to life for your players … the majesty of the entirety is sometimes overwhelming. Yes, your world, your games that leave me so enraptured can also leave me devastated. Can you really blame me for that?
The GM giveth, and the GM taketh away. Gaming can be hard as hell, but for as hard as it is on our side of the table for us to sometimes swallow the dark times and the losses, I know that on the other side of your screen it’s ten times harder to be the one that spins the web and calls the shots and makes the fabric of your universe a reality for us players. Just as there are sad points, there are happy points too. Each and every one of those incredible NPCs, all of the triumphs and wonders you’ve bestowed upon us, every victory, small or large, fleeting or lasting … there are plenty of ups to countermand the downs. I understand that every day on Entrathia won’t be full of sunshine and songbirds. I recognize that the hard times have to exist, and the failures have to happen in order to make the accomplishments meaningful, in order to lend a measure of reality to the experience. It won’t stop me from still hoping that the party will win, whatever that may entail, or that there will be a happy ending for the campaign someday in the mists of the future. It won’t stop me from being disappointed when it doesn’t happen; people do play games to win, after all, I can’t think of anyone who plays to lose. But just because I get disappointed with a specific turn of events, or sad about the death of an NPC, doesn’t EVER mean that I don’t want to play anymore.
ReplyDeleteSo, don’t you dare ever say your games aren’t that good. You are beyond good, you’re fucking legendary and you are the BEST damn GM I’ve ever had the chance to play for. You constantly and consistently go above and beyond to deliver an experience that is second to none. Yes, your games can sometimes be vicious and dark, but that is part of what sets them apart from vanilla campaigns and domesticated one-shots that run on rails. You aren’t afraid to challenge a player’s sensitivities, and for that you should be proud, not sorry. You’re in a league with the likes of George RR Martin, you are a trailblazer and a revolutionary and a fucking epic writer and you are destined for greatness. Don’t let a few tears hold you back or shake your faith. Especially if they’re my tears, because in the words of the vernacular, it’s not you, it’s me. Sometimes I’m just too weak to withstand your greatness, or I’m too sensitive to deal with the drama and intensity. I’m sorry. In those times I’m the one who has failed you, and our group. It’s certainly not the other way around.
You are an inspiration and in so many ways you are truly my role model. You’re a gods damn hero to me. Yours is a gift not to be taken for granted, it can be both terrible and wonderful but it is extraordinary all the same. Please never stop GMing, Ryan. You would be doing the world a vast and irreparable disservice if you ever did.